Serving Arizona State University Online Since 1995  Current Issue: Thursday, September 07, 2006





You Asked For It: It's no surprise

College guys are 'Dazed and Confused'

 by Lisa Przystup
 published on Thursday, September 7, 2006


Do college guys think about anything besides sex?

Apparently not.

It's really no surprise that one of my first questions would be regarding sex. I work with guys on a daily basis, I date one, and many of my close friends are men. I know what sickos you all are. I've seen "The Man Show;" I've listened to Howard Stern. So, to give advice to guys, I simply decided to think like one.

Dear Lisa,

I have yet to have sex while in college. I consider myself mildly attractive, and I am a darn good person. Still, I have yet to get any college action.

In high school I received a fair amount, and the summer before I came here I fell in love with a certified nymphomaniac, only to be cut off completely from my sex supply after two passionate months.

I live in a large condo five miles off campus, and every time I have friends over they say, "Dude, you must get so much living here." I just laugh and try and change the subject as quickly as possible, because it's embarrassing being an eligible male that hasn't had sex in a year. Are my expectations too high? Or is it my standards?


Hopelessly Horny

Dear Hopelessly Horny,

Sadly enough, in the world of sexual gratification being a "darn good person" won't get you far.

You say you got your fair share in high school, so get thee back to your alma matter and go for the high school girls. Of course, make sure they are of the appropriate, legal age of 18, as I absolutely cannot condone and most certainly do not approve of breaking any laws.

High school girls are more naive, and you will trump all those hotshot high school seniors with your ASU ID card. Just take it from Matthew McConaughey's character from the movie "Dazed and Confused," when he says, "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

Now, I have never known a large condo to be a guarantee to getting some; I think this is a misconception popularized by Hollywood. A large loft on the upper west side of New York with a killer view, yes. A large condo in Tempe... not so much.

However, I have known many house parties to end in a bevy of random hook-ups. Put that large condo of yours to work and host a killer party. Prep your wingman, put on your game face and go for it.

Regardless of the results, I have to say that your expectations can never be too high. If you've got self-confidence (Fake it if you have to), you can land pretty much any girl. Just look at Kid Rock and Pam Anderson.


SPM does not necessarily agree with or endorse any of the bitingly sarcastic advice of Lisa Przystup. We do, however, think she's hilarious. Send her fodder for next week's column at

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