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Movie review: Caribbean pirates battle Superman

 by Monis Rose
 published on Thursday, July 6, 2006


Brandon Routh embodies every physical aspect of Superman. He is an Alex Ross cardboard cut out. Christopher Reeve would have been extremely proud on Brandon Roth's looks because he is the alpha alpha male.

Unfortunately, Jerry Seinfeld had more drive and passion to be Superman in his Seinfeld show bit than Brandon Routh does in the entire two and a half hour movie of Superman Returns. Brandon might look good being Superman, but he acts like he doesn't want to be there.

Superman Returns is the 4th installment of the Superman saga. Superman comes back to Metropolis, Illinois after five years of trying to learn more about his home planet. Whereas his ears hear the world's signals of distress, he listens to his penis whenever the name Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) is mentioned causing him to act and talk like he's talking to a girl for the first time. I guess it's hard to talk to "the girl" after a five year hiatus. In Lois' world, she has moved on in her love life, moved up the professional ladder, got engaged to someone else, and had a child. It's never mentioned who the child belongs too, except that he appears to be around the age of five. Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) is probably the only reason why I'm giving Superman a recommendation. Like Philip Seymour Hoffman in MI: 3, Spacey is an evil, twisted, sociopathic, spunky, loudmouth dictator that wants nothing more than to destroy America and Superman and rebuild the continent to his liking. I love that!

Besides the acting, here are the dominant flaws that I had with Superman Returns. First, the theme song is overplayed. It's nice to here it at the beginning and during the last scenes, but not every scene. The movie doesn't plunge into the mind and anatomy of Superman which I would have liked explained, and it leaves many of my questions unanswered, especially concerning Superman's baby making powers. Third, I thought the special effects were equal to Spiderman 2 which was released a few years ago. Finally, the climactic scene was nothing compared to Pirates of the Caribbean 2: the worthy movie to spend your time and money at during the July 4th week.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is better than its predecessor unlike Superman Returns. The creativity, imagination, visual imagery, story, and characters collide into a plethora of beautiful movie summer magic.

WWCJS? What would Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) do after we left him on his own while William Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) try to get married? The answer is easy. Captain Jack will drink his spiced up rum up until his bottle is empty, get himself into more trouble with monstrous sea monsters, and find a way to involve Will and Elizabeth in all of his problems. The bad pirate in Dead Man's Chest is a tentacle bearded mate named Davy Jones, who comes from beneath the sea with his crew consisting of concocted sea beasts to hunt Jack because he lost a bet with Davy and owes him a lifetime of servitude. Sparrow does find a loop hole which is to find the dead man's chest that contains Davy's beating heart. Davy's heart is like a get-out-of-jail-free card for Sparrow.

Dead Man's Chest is the escape movie of the summer. Its beautiful location shots of crystal blue waters and its awe-stricken cliff hanger are just a couple of the hundreds of accolades I give this movie. My favorite scene is when Sparrow leads his crew into the swamps because it reminded me of eating at Blue Bayou in Disneyland while watching all of the riders go swiftly through the lightning bug lit ride. Man... talking about that restaurant and this good movie makes me want some good spiced up seafood right about now.

I give Superman 3 out of 5 Roses and I give Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest 5 out of 5 Roses.

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