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Holiday Horrorscopes: Why you suck

 published on Thursday, December 8, 2005


In case you haven't figured this out, Stale Mess is just a bunch of made up stories. It's as fake as your "Kate Spade" purse that's "hecho en Mexico." As fake as the breasts on the Playboy playmates, our USG president wants to ban. It's possibly even faker. It's content is not to be taken seriously. Stale Mess is fake, fake, fake. Any resemblance to actual people (unless, of course, those actual people are public figures, in which case their quotes are still fake) is purely accidental. Enjoy. And remember: it's fake.

Aries (March 21- April 19): You are a self-centered, greedy person who always wants to make sure you get your fair share of presents. By the time everyone has opened their first gift, you've completely torn through your presents, decided which ones are worth your time, and have left a mess for someone else.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You have a taste for expensive, beautiful things and are likely to be disappointed this year when you the same old cheap crap you get every year. For once, try to act grateful when your little sister gives you a handmade ornament for Christmas.

Gemini (May 21- June 21): Geminis are immature bastards with the attention span of a 2-year-old. You insist upon receiving entertaining gifts. You are likely to knock over the Christmas tree when trying to use your new tennis racket this year.

Cancer (June 22- July 22): You are selfish, clingy and overly sensitive. Somehow, even your great Aunt Peggy manages to offend you. You're likely to make the holidays miserable for everyone because you'll spend your time pouting in the corner about the presents (or people) you that made you upset.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22): You are pretentious and overdramatic. You wait until the perfect moment to open your gifts to make a big show out of it. Take a hint from the frequent eye-rolling, nobody cares about your new socks.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): You are picky and cynical. When you shake your presents to determine your gift, you automatically think, "This is probably from the dollar store." Maybe you'd get better gifts if you weren't so stuck up.

Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 23): You are indecisive and desperate for approval. This year, you spend so much time weighing the possibilities of your gift-giving decisions that you panic and rack up your credit card bills. Expect to return whatever gifts you receive this year in order to make your January rent payment.

Scorpio (Oct. 24- Nov. 21): Scorpios are secretive and sneaky, especially when it comes to gift giving. Be careful this year, you're likely to get caught peeking at your own gifts.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): You are a whiny, impatient big mouth. You are likely to accidentally ruin everyone's surprise by telling them what their gifts are. You'd rather open your presents early than wait for the surprise.

Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 19): You are serious, insecure and boring. You are probably the worst gift-giver out of the entire zodiac. Nobody wants a day planner as a gift, except you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18): You are impersonal and eccentric. No actually, you're just a weirdo. You want to have a good time during the holidays this year, but you'll most likely end up alone in the corner.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20): You are constantly daydreaming. Your family thinks you are high all the time. You have a strange sort of foot fetish, so any gifts that you receive relating to your feet will bring you happiness.

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