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ENTERTAINMENT
Girls on film
Liana Mcwhorter is a daughter, a girlfriend, an artist, a student, and ultimately a human being. However, Mcwhorter regrettably says there is one significant facet of her identity that sometimes overrides all others - Mcwhorter is a lesbian.



By creating black and white photographs based on female sexuality, like women locked in holy matrimony Mcwhorter says in her current art she attempts to share slices of her lifestyle with the an audience that in many cases, is still scared of diversity. "I'm pulling things out of myself instead of the world around me," she says. Mcwhorter's socially charged photography will be displayed at Starbucks, which has raised a few eyebrows and conflict for Mcwhorter, until mid-May.

Professional grade
Steve Thomas can tell you anything you want to know about the recording industry. For eight years, he has owned, operated, and expanded the music venue inside Undici Undici, a club/coffee shop in Mesa that books national and local acts, but is renowned for its open mike night.



In conjunction with his own video production company, Outside the Box, Thomas also provides a video recording service for Undici Undici's amateur and professional patrons.

Musical cure
Most of us don't need a reason to drink good beer and listen to great music, but Rich Crescenti is giving us the chance to do both for a good cause.



Crescenti, a supporter of local music and breast cancer research is putting on Music For A Cure, May 10 at Bandersnatch Brew Pub in Tempe, which includes a silent auction, donations, prizes, more than 15 local bands and of course, beer.

Cup o' Joe: Telling the human experience
Many may disagree, but it is my strong belief that stories of real people make for the strongest works of journalism.



What are real people as opposed to unreal people?



They are among us; they are not isolated or sheltered by public relations executives and gatekeepers. Real people live lives devoid of Hollywood endings and trivial concerns over botox appointments, nor do they choose activism as simply a hobby.

Tools of the trade
Ladies, it is a sad, sad day for gender equality. It looks like the fellas may finally have us beat [off] at something. When is the last time you manipulated your genitalia into the Lock Ness Monster, a windsurfer, or a hamburger? A taco, maybe, or a bearded clam, but how entertaining is that? Puppetry of the Penis is putting us all to shame.



Simon Morley, who is large in the margin and his comedy sensation, Puppetry of the Penis, is possibly the last great frontier in the fascinating world of male genitalia.

On the road, again
At a steakhouse in Van Horn, Texas, Patti Meister pauses to consider her past. Carefully and silently, she begins counting the nuptials, ticking them off on her fingers, one by one, as if she were a child practicing her addition. This is no easy task for a 58-year-old woman with an extraordinarily colorful past.



The moment resembles something out of a dark comedy, with the restaurant's Southwestern motif of pink and green pastels accentuating the punch line. Yet underneath the bizarre hilarity lies a feeling of desperation.

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THE STALE MESS
Editorial: Why are you still reading all this shit?
"Ooooh. Look at me, I'm reading the editorial! I'm so smart that today's daily news and opinions simply will not satiate my intellectual pallet." Well congratu-frickin-lations; you can read. You get a peanut, you pretentious ass.

Confessions of a closet liberal
As I was leaving my third impeachment hearing the other day, I was suddenly side-wiped by a bus and knocked unconscious. I had the strangest dream! Rush Limbaugh and Ralph Nader were fighting to the death - and Nader won. When I woke up, I had an epiphany! All the slogans of the past suddenly make perfect sense to me. "Make love not war!" "Books not bombs!" "No blood for oil!"

Why don't you like the SARS?
I used to be just an ordinary strand of bronchial infection. Those were the days. After a few mutations, suddenly I'm the worst thing since the bubonic plague. But they don't even give me the courtesy of a nice catchy name, like my buddies bubonic, parvo or lupus.

'Puppetry of the Anus' not a success
Four ASU students might be a bunch of assholes, but their stage production, "Puppetry of the Anus," has failed to generate any positive reviews or revenue since it opened last week. Tyler Murphy, Jack Hansburg, Joey Dulaney and Gregory Knight - all engineering sophomores who dabble in interpretive dramatic performance - were hoping their adaptation of the wildly successful "Puppetry of the Penis" tour would do better than the five tickets the show sold in four performances last week.

Backhaus named Prof. of the Year
BackhausThe ASU Department of Academic Excellence announced Monday that Ralph Backhaus, 25-year tenured professor of plant biology and gifted Ecstasy dealer, was named ASU's 2003 Professor of the Year. Sponsored and supported by Trails, Backhaus' nomination came as no surprise to students.




Derby race upsets loser
When Funny Cide upset the Kentucky Derby field on Saturday, ASU biology senior Jack Brack threw his ticket to the ground in disgust and quickly decided that the race wasn't as important as everyone thought it was.

Wins? ASU students want coaches who can party
In light of the recent actions of Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy and Alabama football coach Mike Price, some ASU students are planning a movement to bring the two head coaches to ASU in order to establish a program that the group said "will better promote the school's party image."

Erection botches track meet
The only chance ASU's track team had of winning their Tucson meet Monday was junior English major Joey Arsenza. But what Arsenza and his team did not anticipate was the crippling sensation that brought Arsenza to his knees in the middle of the 3,200-meter race.

Buffoon thinks we sent him to Baghdad
The flaming buffoon that he is, The Stale Mess television reporter Harvey Bergen seriously thought that we would pay to send him to Baghdad, Iraq, to cover the ass-whooping that the United States delivered upon Saddam Hussein.

Fashion Police Beat: Leg warmers donned over spandex
The incidents reported by the fashion police, including woman arrested on the charge of public indecency. She already was on probation after a recent arrest for donning leg warmers over her spandex "dance pants."

Powell proves he's black from the waist down
Secretary of State Colin Powell surprised Bush administration officials Monday when he stood and unveiled his "blackness" during a closed-door meeting at the White House. Powell said he climbed atop the table and dropped his pants to prove to his "White House buddies" he was not "one of them."

Plus/minus gets Lucky Charms treatment
LuckyThe ASU Academic Senate voted unanimously Monday afternoon to move to a Lucky Charms grading system. Hearts, stars, clovers, horseshoes and blue moons will be added to the list of grades professors can award students starting fall 2003. Associated Students of ASU President Mike Leingang labeled the Senate's decision as a victory for students.

Organizers couldn't care less about Awareness Ignorance Week
Hordes of oblivious students congregated on Hayden Lawn, Monday afternoon to kick off Awareness Ignorance Week, chanting their message of uninformed bliss.



"Awareness Ignorance Week is like a double entendre because it's like we ignore awareness and we want people to be aware of our ignorance and stuff," said Alpha Sigma Sigma President Drew Colini. "Umm, yeah."

Headlines: Effeminate father still stuck in closet
A local effeminate father, whose kids have been telling their friends for years that their father is gay, refuses to come out of the closet. Bruce Davis, 41, of Tempe, said of his children's claims: "Oh, heavens! That's just the silliest thing I've ever heard."

Jacko starts own SARS fashion line
LOS ANGELES - Michael Jackson, the King of Freak, announced Monday his plans for exploiting world paranoia with a SARS surgical mask fashion line. Jacko then jumped on the back of a llama, giggled like a little girl running through a field of wildflowers, and proceeded to ride to his favorite climbing tree.

The Gap brings a Mill Avenue feel to Basra
An inside source from the Mill Avenue Merchants Association revealed late Monday night that The Gap is in fact not closing down, but simply being relocated to a sister location in Basra, Iraq. The plans to relocate were already in motion way before Sept. 11, 2001, but the project was delayed for political reasons. It wasn't long after Iraq's liberation last month that Tempe Gap officials were given the go-ahead.

Biodome base for world domination
In keeping with his plans for world domination through bio- and nanotechnology, ASU President Michael Crow has moved his family, CIA secrets, maniacal tendencies and outright evilness into the Biodome just south of Tucson.



Crow will be sharing the 15,000-acre living lab with Pauly Shore, the former comedian who has refused to leave the Biodome since his career tanked about seven years ago.

Whirled Briefs: North Korea offered Anna Nicole for disarming
In exchange for former Playboy centerfold and current strung-out fat chick Anna Nicole Smith, U.S. officials are asking North Korea to relinquish all of its nuclear weapons, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said Monday.

Bush insists WMDs exist in his head
WASHINGTON - Amid growing concerns that the United States beat the living shit out of Iraq for no good reason, President Bush again insisted Monday that Saddam Hussein's regime possessed weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) ... in his head.

Jesus H. Christ to resurrect, start up new fraternity
The Son of God was "totally stoked" Thursday night, as he packed his bags in preparation for his return to earth. Contrary to common doctrines, Christ said he is coming back down not to save a chosen race of Christians, but to start up his own fraternity, Gamma Omega Delta or G.O.D. at Arizona State University.

Plane crashes, annoys partiers
An airplane crashed a north Tempe party on Saturday, leaving the apartment's residents frustrated and irritable. Mitch McConnell, an ASU microbiology senior, said he was "annoyed" when The Plane, 26, a mechanical engineering freshman, showed up early for the party, drank too much, became disorderly and then fell asleep in the master bedroom.

Genius researchers discover less eating leads to weight loss
Concluding a four-year, $30 million project, researchers at Northsouth Arkansas State's nutritional science center released data Monday, which suggests eating less aids in weight loss. Trevor North, the Director of Dietary Research at the Northsouth East campus-based nutritional center, said the revolutionary discovery is sure to shake the foundation of current mainstream dietary approach.

ASASU VP loses spot in porn
Associated Students of ASU Vice President Kevin Bondelli burst into tears Monday as the stretch Hummer pulled out of his driveway, carrying away his hopes and dreams for vice presidential accomplishment. In the Hummer was a small crew visiting Tempe to film "Bone Zone 37: College Campus Coitus Six," a pornographic "reality movie" about ASU.

Protesters protest protesting
Protesters waved signs, shouted insults and wrote messages in chalk on Hayden Lawn Monday night to protest protesting. A crowd gathered around the Nipple of Knowledge and began to climb up and down the sides of it, not to protest anything, but merely to climb up and down a giant cement nipple.

Point: Cancun is the shit, baby
This is what I'm talking about. I'm straight off the plane from Phoenix, and you know I'm ready to get down to business the second I step foot here in Cancun.



Boy do I need a break from work and school. I'm taking 12 hours this year, not to mention I'm working at my dad's firm nearly 15 hours a week and I'm barely making $15 an hour. It's a total rip off.

Counterpoint: Cancun is shit, amigos
This is what I am talking about. I get straight off the bus each day from an hour-long ride from Chiapas. You know I'm ready to get to work the second I stop foot here in Cancun, otherwise they send me home with no pay.



Boy do I need a break. I work two jobs totaling 80 hours a week, and don't even make 150 pesos, or $15 per day.

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