Serving Arizona State University Online Since 1995  Current Issue: Friday, April 26, 2002





Editorial: Editor bids farewell to dungeon friends
We face all sorts of challenges each day. Daily deadlines must be met. We make story assignments, assign photographers, think graphically — all on a daily basis, let me remind you. And on top of that, we are full-time students. Some of us even have a second job to pay for rent and school.

Opinion: A few animal care tips: Tame tricky bats with tongs or badminton rackets
Last week, there was a story in the State Press about a young woman who picked up a dead bat on campus. On Monday, the Arizona Republic reported on the increase in rattlesnake encounters this time of year.

Opinion: Segway scooters take laziness to a new level
I bought a skateboard last week. Since then I've managed to scrape up my knees, sprain my wrist and narrowly avoid a dozen pedestrians, but I'm determined to get the hang of it.

Opinion: Enzyte's claims of 'male enhancement' oversized
As finals week draws near, I'm finding myself overwhelmed with deadlines, projects, and presentations that are crucial to my academic success.

Softball senior class ranks among greatest
As time runs down on one of the most successful seasons for the ASU softball team, so does the opportunity for fans to watch one of the greatest senior classes in the program's history.

ASU tied for 7th place at Pac-10s
Coming off a season-best second-place finish in the Thunderbird/SAVANE Invitational, the ASU men's golf team finds itself tied for seventh place at the Pac-10 Championships in Corvallis, Ore.

Sun Devils finally return home
After three weeks of playing away from home, the ASU softball team returns to Farrington Stadium this weekend for a three-game series against the Oregon schools.

Murphy returns to former school
But if ASU head baseball coach Pat Murphy has a book of clichés, that one must not be in it. Murphy will return to his former school, Notre Dame, when the Sun Devils play a two-game series against the Fighting Irish this weekend in South Bend, Ind.

Taking a look back at a semester of ASU athletics
According to some, the 2001-02 edition of the ASU men's basketball team was an underachieving group. But to others, it was a team that made great strides and exceeded the expectations of many.

Regents vote raises tuition by 4 percent
FLAGSTAFF — In a hairsplitting 6-5 vote, the Arizona Board of Regents passed a 4 percent resident tuition increase for ASU, NAU and UA on Thursday.

Residents complain about Cox cable
Since January, when Cox changed all its customers from analog to digital cable, Mole said he has been plagued with a number of problems. Cox denied him of his two free digital converter boxes, eventually gave him five faulty boxes and has hung up on him when he called for customer service, he said.

Dance department short $12,000, considers cutting courses
The dance program, one of the highest ranked in the nation, has been forced to consider eliminating some classes next academic year because of proposed cuts in the 2003 state budget.

ASU's Dance department presents W.I.P.s (works in progress), an informal showcase of dance pieces open to the public at 1:30 p.m. in FAC-122.

'Science' magazine recognizes 3 students for poster design
Three ASU students were announced as winners in Science magazine's review of the American Association for the Advancement of Science 2002 student poster competition in Boston.

Better tasting water may be on horizon
"This study helps answer questions like what is causing the bad taste, where it's coming from and when it's here?" said James Hathaway, media relations manager for the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences.

Police Beat
A 39-year-old Tempe man was arrested for shoplifting at Safeway at 926 E. Broadway Road. The man reportedly tried to leave with three packages of diapers.

New building to bear Lattie Coor's name
The Arizona Board of Regents dedicated the new structure on the west side of campus to ASU President Lattie Coor, who will retire from 12 years of service on June 30.

Local business leader named honorary scholar
Martin Alvarez, president of the Sun Eagle Corporation, was appointed this week as the first Wells Fargo honorary scholar in Hispanic business.

Drinking on Mill Avenue : Drinkers hit the area while liquor officials try to keep up
Arizona's Department of Liquor has levied $30,000 in fines to Mill Avenue establishments since 1997. However, the strip of bars, clubs and restaurants remains a mecca for heavy consumption of alcohol.

Graduation ceremony streamed live
ASU Spring Commencement Thursday, May 9, 2002. Click on the story to get to the live streaming brought to you by ASU.

Former coach Dan Devine dead at 77
Dan Devine, a longtime football coach who led the Sun Devils to their first perfect season and national ranking, died Thursday after a long illness. He was 77.

Tempe approves smoking ban
Tempe voters narrowly passed controversial Proposition 200 in Tuesday's election, effectively ending smoking in public restaurants and bars.

Voters also re-elected councilman Len Copple. Community activist Pam Goronkin also won a seat on the city council.

Classifieds - 4/30/02

$199 MOVE-IN SPECIAL on 6 mo lease! 2bd/ 1ba, $675/mo; 2bd/1ba, twnhm $710/mo incl util. 5 min to ASU. Call 480- 967-0489. The Fountains, 1028 E Orange St.

$55 MOVES you in now! 1 mo free! Lg 1 & 2br, 4 blks to ASU, cvd prkng. 480-200-7372.

1 APT plus 2 sngl rms.

7 square feet available in 3-bedroom apartment shared by 28. Need someone to move in right away, because the extra 74 cents a month is killing us all. Good view of Pete and John, who live in the 7 feet next to you.

A letter from a football's Jewish mother
Spalding, you be careful out there! Do you hear me? I know you think they're your friends just having a good time, but what kind of friends are these? They throw you, they kick you, they spike you down on the ground when they're happy. I just don't understand why you do this. That's all.

'Big Unit' has balls to sell little hairy piece of himself
In a response to the sale of a piece of Bazooka Joe gum chewed by Arizona Diamondback Luis Gonzalez on an Internet auction site, baseball players across America are coming up with new and innovating ways of selling their otherwise worthless by-products.

King Triton makes bid on Cardinals stadium
TEMPE -- The state Tourism and Sports Authority announced Wednesday that, after numerous failed negotiations, it has finally agreed on a spot for the stadium.

You're right, I am a smellypuking habit
Hi, do you want to be my friend? No? I didn't think so. I don't blame you. I guess I wouldn't hang around a cigarette like me either if I didn't have to. Really, go on about your merry way and protect your lungs, I didn't think you would be any different from the others.

Feed Me! Please Feed Me! A letter from fat Jared to skinny Jared
In the tune of D) I'm Jared, Fat Jared. Been getting starved by those stupid retards from Subway. Gonna die soon if I don't balloon, then I won't make the ladies swoon. I'm Jared, Fat Jared. Subway: taste death!

ASU radio station goes wild with porn star DJ
After what seems like an eternity, ASU's very own campus radio station KASC "The Blaze" 1260 AM will finally receive a signal that can be heard on and off campus beginning next semester.

Shopping with Diego proves to be oh-so-sexy
Buenos Dias, my name is Diego Montoya. I am from Malaga, Spain. I have come to study interpretive dance in your country. A few things have come to my attention during my short stay in America.

New student club down-right A.S.S.T.A.S.T.I.C
The first chapter of Arizona State Students Taking Action in Selling Their Infamous Crap (A.S.S.T.A.S.T.I.C) littered Hayden Lawn yesterday with their infamous crap in hopes to raise awareness for a cause.

"Hide and Beat Pete" not a real game, Pete discovers
Chemical engineering freshman Peter Richmond had a horrible epiphany last Sunday. He was sitting on the steps of McClintock Hall discussing childhood games with his friends when he brought up the game he hated most.

Point: My breasts are real and they're fabulous!
I don't need some doctor to inject some fake substance into these babies. I mean, look at them! They're big, beautiful and bountiful. No one's going to tell me what to do with my body. No siree, I'm more secure with myself than that.

Point: I'm not a girl vs. Counterpoint: Not yet a woman
I know what you think when you look at me. It's the same thing everyone thinks: sweet and wholesome Lil' Debbie. But maybe you need to take a harder look at me.

Ask a Bea Arthur
I've recently noticed some changes in my son's behavior. He's moodier than ever, he won't come out of his room and he's not eating as much as usual. Should I be a snoopy mom and intervene? I don't want to lose his trust but I need to know if he's OK.

Editorial: It sucks to be you
You heard us. We here at the Stale Mess have thought it over, and we've concluded that it does really, truly in fact suck to be you. You're goin nowhere, pal -- nowhere!

Holy shit rings true when Pope blesses bowel movements
Vatican City--Amidst a storm of controversy over the past month, the Catholic Church added a shit-load of problems, literally. Pope John Paul II revealed last Tuesday that he and his colleagues have been blessing shit for the last three years.

Bush suffers breakdown when Speak n' Spell malfunctions
(This last issue of the State Press Magazine is a mock version of the campus daily, the State Press. All names, quotes and events are fictitious. Read it for fun or not at all.)

Boisterous boy band to resolve conflict in Mideast
Washington, D.C.--President George W. Bush announced this week that he finally has the answer to the crisis in the Middle East between Israel and Palestine.

The Computing Commons will host a series of end of the year events including, "Smash for Cash," an opportunity to destroy the dinosaur computers in the lab for $5. The kickoff is at midnight in front of the Computing Commons.

Tempe gets feel of 'real' city with own Ground Zero
Tempe took its latest step to becoming a respectable metropolitan city Wednesday as Mayor Neil Guiliano announced plans for construction of a Ground Zero replica to be erected in the heart of Mill Avenue.

Crow reveals Aussie identity, Coor joins Real World
Sources say he lapsed into bouts of moodiness, began punching anything that flashed at him, including his microwave, shouted "By Crikey!" after hearing his supposed new salary and changed hair styles frequently, including the Flock of Seagulls wave and the I'm a Whiney Bastard do.

Chafed Nipple spews forth flood of milk
ASU maintenance workers were busy late into the night Wednesday cleaning up more than 2,000 gallons of milk spewed forth by the Nipple of Knowledge, the Hayden Library landmark known for its short temperament.

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