Serving Arizona State University Online Since 1995  Current Issue: Thursday, April 25, 2002





Editorial: One-way is the wrong way for Mill Avenue
The Downtown Tempe Community is pushing hard to create 78 parking spaces along Mill Avenue and encouraging more restaurateurs to open up sidewalk cafes to give the busy street a more pedestrian-friendly atmosphere.

Opinion: Man's imagined HIV infection takes reality to the next level
What called this theory to mind, today, was a brilliantly dopey man whose name will go undisclosed, not for the protection of this individual — I'd like to see him beaten — but because of privacy laws that protect medical records.

Opinion: Awareness the first step to fighting discrimination
Several weeks ago, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court decided to end the mandatory busing program in Charlotte, North Carolina. This program was one of the oldest in the country, and served as an effective means of desegregating schools and giving students of all races equal educational opportunities.

Opinion: Letters to the Editor
Not only does Karen Engler commit several factual errors and argumentative fallacies in her article on the Roman Catholic Church and sexual offenses, but she also moves from "muckraker" to mud-kicker.

Top of the Kee: ASU fans voicing disgust by not renewing tickets
Sitting on his couch in Eloy rather than in his seat at Sun Devil Stadium, longtime ASU football season ticket-holder Bud Kee watched in disgust last November as UA marched up and down the field en route to a 34-21 victory over his beloved Sun Devils.

Kang captures Pac-10 title
Sophomore Jimin Kang fired a two-under 70 on Wednesday in the Pac-10 Championships to capture her first conference individual title and propel the ASU women's golf team into a tie for third place at the Walla Walla Country Club in Walla Walla, Wash.

Sun Devils head to Iowa, Oregon
The ASU track and field team will send split squads across the nation this weekend — one to Des Moines, Iowa for the Drake Relays and the other to Eugene, Ore., for the Oregon Invitational.

Mohr fails to qualify for ASU
Knowing that fall signee Allen Morill might not qualify academically, Rob Evans has begun to scour the high school and junior college ranks in search of a player to fill the possible void.

Devils head to Pac-10 Championships
The ASU men's tennis team closed out its season last weekend with a pair of victories. The Sun Devils are 12-9 overall with a 3-4 mark in conference play heading into today's Pac-10 Championships in Ojai, Calif.

Women trying to rebound from loss
Engel is ranked 15th in the nation in singles, while ASU sophomore Dora Krstulovic moved up to No. 24. The pair jumped 11 spots in the doubles rankings to No. 13. Sun Devil junior Mhairi Brown also climbed in the singles rankings to No. 73.

Larish, Allen propel ASU over OU
The education of freshman third baseman Jeff Larish continued Wednesday night while the sophomore slump of outfielder Rod Allen was dealt a blow.

Car hits moving train on Rural Road
The man, who is in his late 70s, was traveling north on Rural Road near Apache Boulevard and approached the railroad tracks just south of the intersection of Spence Avenue and Rural Road.

Republican icon voices opinion against campaign finance reform
Approximately 40 people attended the free ASASU-funded event. Coulter is a nationally syndicated columnist and a regular cable talk show guest.

100 students protest for Palestinian cause
"Wake up America" was written on one of dozens of signs carried by more than 100 students at a Palestinian rally in front of the Memorial Union on Wednesday.

Woman sexually assaulted near ASU
A 23-year-old Tempe woman was sexually assaulted Sunday after a man climbed through an open window into her apartment at the Sierra Vista complex near ASU, according to Tempe police.

Lawmakers want more nursing students accepted to fix shortage
In response to Arizona's severe nursing shortage, lawmakers have asked universities to expand the number of students accepted into their nursing programs.

Center for Latin American Studies presents Bishop Samuel Ruíz García, who will speak in Spanish on "La Iglesia Autóctona en Chiapas: Una Experiencia Pastoral Indígena," at 5 p.m. in the ASU Downtown Center. Room C-145.

Tuition to be determined amid much fiery debate
The most fiery and important meeting of the year for the Arizona Board of Regents begins today in Flagstaff. By the end of the day, board members will have set the annual tuition and fees for the 2002-2003 academic year.

Police Beat
A 31-year-old Mesa man was arrested for shoplifting at a Circle K at 15 W. Southern Ave., after walking out of the store with a beer bottle. He had removed the bottle from a 12-pack case, opened it and drank some. He returned to the store, picked up a second bottle, and told the clerk he was going to steal it.

Regents raise tuition 4%
The Arizona Board of Regents narrowly approved a 3.9 percent resident tuition hike for the 2002-2003 school year today. The board rejected the 12 percent raise sought by the three university presidents.

Classifieds - 4/25/02

$199 MOVE-IN SPECIAL on 6 mo lease! 2bd/ 1ba, $675/mo; 2bd/1ba, twnhm $710/mo incl util. 5 min to ASU. Call 480- 967-0489. The Fountains, 1028 E Orange St.

$55 MOVES you in now! 1 mo free! Lg 1 & 2br, 4 blks to ASU, cvd prkng. 480-200-7372.

1 APT plus 2 sngl rms.

Shopping with Diego proves to be oh-so-sexy
Buenos Dias, my name is Diego Montoya. I am from Malaga, Spain. I have come to study interpretive dance in your country. A few things have come to my attention during my short stay in America.

Police Beat-Off
A 31-year-old Tempe man was arrested in a local movie theater for making lewd remarks during the preview of "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones." The man reportedly kept shouting, "Take it off, Jar-Jar!"

ASU radio station goes wild with porn star DJ
After what seems like an eternity, ASU's very own campus radio station KASC "The Blaze" 1260 AM will finally receive a signal that can be heard on and off campus beginning next semester.

Feed Me! Please Feed Me! A letter from fat Jared to skinny Jared
In the tune of D) I'm Jared, Fat Jared. Been getting starved by those stupid retards from Subway. Gonna die soon if I don't balloon, then I won't make the ladies swoon. I'm Jared, Fat Jared. Subway: taste death!

You're right, I am a smellypuking habit
Hi, do you want to be my friend? No? I didn't think so. I don't blame you. I guess I wouldn't hang around a cigarette like me either if I didn't have to. Really, go on about your merry way and protect your lungs, I didn't think you would be any different from the others.

King Triton makes bid on Cardinals stadium
TEMPE -- The state Tourism and Sports Authority announced Wednesday that, after numerous failed negotiations, it has finally agreed on a spot for the stadium.

'Big Unit' has balls to sell little hairy piece of himself
In a response to the sale of a piece of Bazooka Joe gum chewed by Arizona Diamondback Luis Gonzalez on an Internet auction site, baseball players across America are coming up with new and innovating ways of selling their otherwise worthless by-products.

A letter from a football's Jewish mother
Spalding, you be careful out there! Do you hear me? I know you think they're your friends just having a good time, but what kind of friends are these? They throw you, they kick you, they spike you down on the ground when they're happy. I just don't understand why you do this. That's all.

7 square feet available in 3-bedroom apartment shared by 28. Need someone to move in right away, because the extra 74 cents a month is killing us all. Good view of Pete and John, who live in the 7 feet next to you.

Chafed Nipple spews forth flood of milk
ASU maintenance workers were busy late into the night Wednesday cleaning up more than 2,000 gallons of milk spewed forth by the Nipple of Knowledge, the Hayden Library landmark known for its short temperament.

Crow reveals Aussie identity, Coor joins Real World
Sources say he lapsed into bouts of moodiness, began punching anything that flashed at him, including his microwave, shouted "By Crikey!" after hearing his supposed new salary and changed hair styles frequently, including the Flock of Seagulls wave and the I'm a Whiney Bastard do.

Tempe gets feel of 'real' city with own Ground Zero
Tempe took its latest step to becoming a respectable metropolitan city Wednesday as Mayor Neil Guiliano announced plans for construction of a Ground Zero replica to be erected in the heart of Mill Avenue.

The Computing Commons will host a series of end of the year events including, "Smash for Cash," an opportunity to destroy the dinosaur computers in the lab for $5. The kickoff is at midnight in front of the Computing Commons.

Boisterous boy band to resolve conflict in Mideast
Washington, D.C.--President George W. Bush announced this week that he finally has the answer to the crisis in the Middle East between Israel and Palestine.

Bush suffers breakdown when Speak n' Spell malfunctions
(This last issue of the State Press Magazine is a mock version of the campus daily, the State Press. All names, quotes and events are fictitious. Read it for fun or not at all.)

Holy shit rings true when Pope blesses bowel movements
Vatican City--Amidst a storm of controversy over the past month, the Catholic Church added a shit-load of problems, literally. Pope John Paul II revealed last Tuesday that he and his colleagues have been blessing shit for the last three years.

Tuition hike to include free ass-screwing
(This last issue of the State Press Magazine is a mock version of the campus daily, the State Press. All names, quotes and events are fictitious. Read it for fun or not at all.)

Editorial: It sucks to be you
You heard us. We here at the Stale Mess have thought it over, and we've concluded that it does really, truly in fact suck to be you. You're goin nowhere, pal -- nowhere!

Ask a Bea Arthur
I've recently noticed some changes in my son's behavior. He's moodier than ever, he won't come out of his room and he's not eating as much as usual. Should I be a snoopy mom and intervene? I don't want to lose his trust but I need to know if he's OK.

Point: I'm not a girl vs. Counterpoint: Not yet a woman
I know what you think when you look at me. It's the same thing everyone thinks: sweet and wholesome Lil' Debbie. But maybe you need to take a harder look at me.

Point: My breasts are real and they're fabulous!
I don't need some doctor to inject some fake substance into these babies. I mean, look at them! They're big, beautiful and bountiful. No one's going to tell me what to do with my body. No siree, I'm more secure with myself than that.

"Hide and Beat Pete" not a real game, Pete discovers
Chemical engineering freshman Peter Richmond had a horrible epiphany last Sunday. He was sitting on the steps of McClintock Hall discussing childhood games with his friends when he brought up the game he hated most.

New student club down-right A.S.S.T.A.S.T.I.C
The first chapter of Arizona State Students Taking Action in Selling Their Infamous Crap (A.S.S.T.A.S.T.I.C) littered Hayden Lawn yesterday with their infamous crap in hopes to raise awareness for a cause.

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